One could even call this the big picture of parenting, providing a statement of the overall philosophy of your parenting, which can then be manifested in the warp and woof of the daily bump and grind!

William P. Farley has provided a couple of what can be described as definitions worth your reflection.  Farley states the following…

Parenting is the process of transferring our worldview to the next generation.

Now Farley is affirming this definition in a Christian context and worldview, which becomes more explicit in this next citation…

Christian parenting is the process of preparing our children for the day of judgment.  We do that by transferring our worldview to them.  Our worldview is the sum of our beliefs, values, purposes, and self-control.  Parenting has not succeeded until God’s worldview has conquered a child’s heart.

I encourage you, as I also think about my own parenting pursuit, with the responsibility of stewarding these growing lives to the glory of God, to make this pursuit a God-ordained priority in your life, and live this out practically, one day, and one child, at a time!  All the while remembering throughout, in all our effort, toil, and stress, it is only God who can do the saving, if such is to happen, He must!

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy

]]> http://memoirsofanordinaryparent.com/?feed=rss2&p=64 6 http://memoirsofanordinaryparent.com/?p=54 http://memoirsofanordinaryparent.com/?p=54#comments Fri, 12 Feb 2010 12:28:45 +0000 Jonny Boy http://memoirsofanordinaryparent.com/?p=54 Before you read this post, I encourage you to read this post first, Parenting for the Heart.

If you have read this post as a result of the above link, you will have noticed the following portion, in the Ground Your Authority in God section.  However, if you had already read this post, you will have missed it, so here it is for you…

If I may also note that this is not something that you should start [grounding your authority in God] as your children move into “those” years.  For example, with my five year old, when I am “disciplining” him, I will usually say something like the following: You are not honouring and obeying Your Creator, and while You are choosing not to, Dad and Mum will continue to do so, which is why… grounded in Prov. 3:11, 12, which one then goes on to explain what will happen with his “consequences” next!

What, you the parent, are also affirming by communicating in such a manner is that God’s wisdom and plan is the standard and goal for living one’s life, that you are God’s steward in your parenting role, and that His will, should be our way!

The reason why I am wanting to devote a post to the context of this piece, is that it contains a text of Scripture that I believe can revolutionise the perspective of the disciplining of your children, as you ground it in the love of the God-Head!

Here is the text in full, from Proverbs 3…

11 My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof,

12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

This can be further exemplified as this text is quoted in the New Testament.  In the book of Hebrews, this text is part of a section dealing with discipline as an affirmation of son-ship.

Here is the section of Scripture from Hebrews 12…

3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,and chastises every son whom he receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Take note of the verses that follow…

12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

The connection between verses 3-11 and verses 12-13 should be noted.  As the beginning of verse 11 makes clear, For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant.  In other words, if our discipline only focuses on the present, and if we as parents do not provide a bigger picture of what is actually taking place, the fruit of this redemptive moment, can be lost, as the second portion of verse 11 affirms, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  The fruit in discipline of our children has a prospective fulfillment, which means we must help to both key into this, and provide some resources to help foster and encourage this reality.

This is why, in light of this reality, Scripture deals with a possible reality at such times… Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.

What should be made clear is that the pursuit of disciplining our children is not easy (which the fallen reality of humanity, should have also informed our perspective), nor is the fruit of this always seen in the present, which means we must have prophetic eyes as parents, and also take note of verses 12 and 13 for ourselves, as we too can very easily get discouraged, can easily get caught up in the emotion of the moment, and can easily fail to remember that maturation is a life-long process, which means the fruit of your parenting may not reach fulfillment right at the present, however, your faithfulness in the present parenting process needs a present fulfillment.

Given all that has been affirmed to date, it is paramount that we must discipline for the heart, that we discipline with such a philosophy that encourages an inward manifestation and transformation of our children, from the inside out!

The following points may be some principles that help to encourage this redemptive reality, with those God has placed under your stewarded care…

1) Discipline is Grounded in God’s Interaction with His Children

This is not a confrontation of Man vs. Wild, with the parent playing the masculine role.  This is the parent following and mimicking the ultimate parent in how He loves His children.  For this to really hit home, your children must have a biblical perspective on the reality and character of God.  If your children understand the love of God, which is ultimately exemplified in the life, death, and resurrection of the Messiah, Jesus Christ, then the canvas in their minds of the conception and perception in what is taking place will be transformed.

While this is impressive, this can be made even more explicit, as biblically, few things say, “I Love You,” to your children like your discipling of them.  Now, I feel the need to ask you to stop laughing!  Now your children may struggle to conceive of such a reality, but this is the counter-culture reality that Prov. 3:11-12 is claiming.  What we need to do as parents is inculcate and contextualise this reality for our children… continually and consistently!

To do this you must both right size sin and right size God!

If sin is a clear and present danger, with an eternal shadow cast by its reality, then if your children have an understanding of the seriousness of this danger, they will better understand why you must deal with it so seriously.

Symbiotically, when your children understand about Who God Is, What He Has Done For Them, What He Has Planned For Them, they will better conceive and SEE Who it is who is calling for such an action!

In other words, if God is Who the Bible says He Is… and He Is, and this is how He interacts with His children, such is a marvelous reality if we are seeking to do likewise.  The key then, is for us parents, to be able communicate, exemplify, and underscore this to our children.

2) Remember God’s Long-Suffering with the Immaturity of His Children

This one is for you Parent!  Meditate on Scripture texts such as Phil. 1:6, where God has committed to His children for the long run!  God is not in the business with His children to impose a “do this or else” philosophy.  Just think of how many times you fall short of the glory of God each and every day, and throughout all of these occasions, the persistent love and Fatherly consistency and persistence of God, who views such realities, not only through His Son, but also with a long-term reality in view, commits to finishing what He has started in His children.

Seriously Parent, you and I both need to think about this more often, and I will illustrate why.  Recently, I was sensing some internal frustration with my eldest and some attitudes that were presenting them self.  Nevertheless, I pressed on, and proceeded to sin in like manner.  Upon reflection, realising this, I was not only thankful for the grace of God in my own life, but I also was reminded of my insufficiency, but also of my need to discipline out of this frame of reference, not only because this is right, but also because this reflects the way that God interacts with His children.

The radical nature of God’s grace in Jesus Christ will further define your perspective on parenting, and will help you to model, very incompletely and imperfectly, the Fatherhood of God!

On the other hand, if you do not remember and inculcate these realities, you can easily allow frustration to impact your interactive times of discussion and discipline, where you will fail to show the love and grace of the Father!  This will also encourage you to be solely fruit focused, as your frustration wants everything to be right… right NOW, and if such is not repented of, things can only get better worse, as we can too often and too easily justify such responses, which both provide an incomplete picture of God, His relationship with His children, how He shows this love, with the result that our pursuit of parenting sinfully suffers.

3) Discipline Makes it Clear that You Are My Child

While this may seem too simple for words, such a point underscores the prospective point of disciplining.  God willing, the fruit of this will be seen in connection with the process of discipline, but such a context of discipline should actually increase the bond between parent and child, particularly at the time of their life when such a foundation is built, in the early years.

Building on the previous points, one is able to affirm that a lack of discipline is actually a sign of illegitimacy, as verse 8 affirms, If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons, thereby underscoring and affirming that discipline is an ultimate sign of intimacy.  Yes, intimacy.

If such is true, let your children know this reality, but be prepared to live this out!

4) Discipline Screams out, ” I Love You”

What this ultimately means is that disciplining our children is one of the ultimate acts of love between a parent and a child.  Because this is true, such a reality should get to the core of those whom we are shepherding, and if it is not, and let’s face it, such is usually how parents do not think about this, then not only are we missing God’s perspective on this issue, but we are depriving our children of the glory of God in the pursuit of disciplining.

If we truly grasp, as an integrative reality, what love looks like, we will understand that it involves doing what is best for the child, and if this is framed in the context of disciplining, that the Word of God makes clear, each time you “discipline” your child, you are ministering the love of God, through the love of your parenting.

Not only this, but you are affirming that you delight in this child.  Delight?  Yes, you can say to that child of yours, the reason I am disciplining you is because I delight in you, like God delights in us… and you would be biblical!  You know what, if we said it with tears in our eyes, like we really meant it, our children would probably believe us!

This is also where it gets tragic.  Why so?

Because  too often, our culture and those in it, view discipline as the environment where Dad and Mum get frustrated or angry with their children, and parent out of this perspective.  No wonder this alienates the children under such a regime, and no wonder the fruit of such a philosophy is foreign to the biblical way of doing things.  As a footnote, no wonder people fail to truly grasp why and how a smack on the hand or bottom can truly communicate love for the child.

On other hand, grasping hold of the reality that discipline is one of the most radical forms of love, which means the things spoken of above, need to be absent, or when necessary, repented of, we are able to provide a whole new paradigm to those under our care, which should radicalise not only the concept of love, but the concept of consequences.

Conclusion

All too often, given the nature of the worldview of our given cultures, which are antithetical to the biblical frame of reference, we are left trying to defend or hold onto our position, particularly in this context.  One of the problems of such a position is that the discussion of discipline is framed in defensive or negative garb, which seeks to justify what is happening to an antagonistic source that seeks to delegitimise what God has affirmed.

In the context of disciplining our children, particularly as it relates to corporeal forms of discipline, the “noise” of this debate has dominated too much talk, and it is time for us to positively communicate why biblical discipline is a radical reality of the love of God, mediated through the love of the parent.  If this is true, and it is, not only do we need to grasp hold of this for ourselves, and communicate this to others, but most significantly, this must also affect not only the way we discipline>parent, but the way we talk about disciplining>parenting.  We must get truth into the streets!

Not only will this transform the way you understand this reality, it will also empower you, by God’s grace, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to discipline your children in such a way that encourages such interactions with your children to communicate into the depth of their beings, in the place where true transform begins, the heart!

May it be so, in this day!

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy

Yes, people, you remember the years, the time of your life when you knew everything, and actually believed such to be true!  To be sure, too often knowledge and wisdom are absent bed fellows, with their human experiment affirming this for all to see!

Jonny Boy has an almost 16 year old Son, and so is not completely blowing chunks, as he is experiencing the ride of youthful dreaming.  If I may be Frank (with a change of accent to boot), parenting a teenager could quite possibly be the time where I have learned more about my failings in such a transparent and stereophonic manner, that has made it clear that such a time is a definitive means of God’s grace in my life.

I am thankful for my Son, I am thankful for the joy of stewarding this brute beast of humanity, who like his Dad, is ‘want’ to run after the things of the World, the Flesh, and the Devil, and is a baseless being, without the continuing work of God’s grace in his life, mediated through the work of the Spirit.

As I reflect on the gravity and challenge of parenting teenagers in our present context, there is much that can be said and many resources that are worth their weight in God-glorifying Gold, by those who are much more experienced and wise than this thirty-something.

However, in this sort-of brief refrain, I want to focus on a couple of over-arching realities in the pursuit of parenting , which I believe affect and shape the practice of parenting, particularly as the beauty can act more like a beast!

1) Don’t Take the Salvation of Your Child for Granted

Recently, I have started reading Gospel-Powered Parenting, where this point was affirmed.  The author, William Farley, affirmed and exemplified the significance of this point with two examples.  The first was in a book by Christian Smith and Melissa Lundquist Denton, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers.  After surveying some 3000 American teenagers, they found that their religious beliefs reflected the concepts of Moralistic, Therapeutic, Deism.  Here is how they describe this concept, and its impact…

These teens believe in a combination of works-righteousness, religion as psychological well-being, and a distant, non interfering god.  Ironically, many of these young deists are active in their churches… It is important for every Christian parent to discern MTD from Christianity.  A child can be compliant and well-behaved, attend Sunday worship, and socialize with the church youth group, but merely possess MTD. (Page 27).

In other words, your little bundle of joy can be a ’spiritually’ dead child walking!

The second example underscores how prevalent MTD is in today’s church, with the sexual habits of evangelical children.

The following words deserve sober reflection…

Sociologist Mark Regnerus in his book Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagersexposes the the failure of evangelical homes to discern and mold their children’s spiritual values.  The author points out that evangelical teenagers are just as sexually active as their non-Christian friends.  In fact, there is evidence that evangelical teenagers on the whole may be more sexually active.  Those who identify themselves as evangelical teens tend to have their first sexual encounter at a younger age, 16.3 years, than liberal Protestants, who tend to lose their virginity at 16.7 years.  And young evangelicals are far more likely to have had three or more sexual partners (13.7 percent) than non-evangelicals (8.9 percent).  What about abstinence pledges?  Those work – for a while – delaying sex on an average by about eighteen months, with 88 percent of pledgers eventually giving up their vow. (Pages 27-28).

Sobered Up?  The last affirmation in regard to pledges exemplifies the problem.  No, just before you’re thinking I am going to, without distinction, nay-say this often courageous choice that teens make in front of one’s peers… if you are expecting this, you would be wrong. However, if this pledge is merely an outward act of moral conformity, which it will be if it is not produced from the inside out, it will fail.  The human heart being what it is, requires radical change that must come from another, outside source, which is Christ!

The statistics affirmed both show that mere religion is not mere christianity, which means that rules without a new reign within, does not bring new life, but merely a cultural assimilation that looks good for a time, but fails to produce real change that one can believe in!

Most Christian parents assume that church attendance or youth-group involvement equates to new birth. Parents are naive about new birth and its symptoms. (Page 28).

Read how A. W. Pink describes this needed change-to-believe-in

The new birth is very much more than simply shedding a few tears due to a temporary remorse over sin.  It is far more than changing our course of life, the leaving off of bad habits and the substituting of good ones.  It is something different from the mere cherishing and practicing of noble ideals.  It goes infinitely deeper than coming forward to take some popular evangelist by the hand, signing a pledge card, or “joining the church.”  The new birth is no mere turning over a new leaf, but is the inception and reception of new life.  It is no mere reformation but a complete transformation.  In short, the new birth is a miracle, the result of the supernatural operation of God.  It is radical, revolutionary, lasting. (Page 29).

This is what our children need… Which is why you must…

2) Parent for the Heart

This can be easier said than done, and as I feel encouraged to underscore, I am no expert, but with a correct diagnosis of the problem, and a correct understanding of the solution, we would be wise to parent in such a way that reflects and encourages this reality.  When parents have a rules-based focus, it tends to externalise the issue, and misses where the focus and nexus of the issue resides.

Yes, the problem may be what they are doing, and I am not suggesting that you don’t deal with these problems, but understand that the solution starts at a much deeper level.  To remove a fruit tree from a garden, we would be wise to concentrate on removing the root, not merely picking off the fruit from the tree!  When we parent for the heart, we are attacking the root!

For this to be a reality, we must have thought through and integrated the Gospel into our lives, and also into our philosophy of parenting, as our actions will always speak louder than our words, particularly when our actions betray our words.  Thereby in our parenting, practice the Gospel, by parenting the Gospel!

If your parenting has a preponderance that focuses on what your children are doing, which fails to deal with why they are doing it, don’t be surprised if your children have an external paradigm, which sadly, has a positive attraction to dead religion… MTD anyone!

3) Say “Yes” to As Much as You Can

These following points may seem more practical, but as a parent of a teenager, theory only thrives-to-survives if it can be practiced!

In another piece of my posting, I recored some words from, R. Kent Hughes, as it related to Fatherhood, which exemplifies and affirms why this point, number 3 is important.  Here are some words worth remembering, in the context of overstrictness…

Some fathers exasperate their children by being overly strict and controlling.  They need to remember that rearing children is like holding a bar of wet soap – too firm a grasp and it shoots from your hand, too lose a grasp and it slides away.  A gentle but firm hold keeps you in control.

We cannot begin to estimate the ravages of overstrictness on the evangelical Christian community over the years.  I have had occasion in my ministry to bury people who lived virtually all of their seventy years in reaction to the harsh legalism of their upbringing – lost bars no one could manage to pick up. Others were not so tragic.  They came to renounce legalism biblically and theologically, but still wrestled with it emotionally for the rest of their lives.

Why are some fathers overly strict?  Many because they are trying to protect their children from an increasingly Philistine culture –  and smothering rules seems the best way to accomplish that.  Others are simply controlling personalities who use rules, money, friendship, or clout to rule their children’s lives.  The Bible, read through their controlling grid, becomes a license to own and dominate.  Still others wrongly understand their faith in terms of Law rather than grace.  Some men are overly strict because they are concerned about what others will think.  ”What will they think if my child goes to this place… or wears this clothing… or is heard listening to that music?”  Not a few preacher’s kids have been catapulted into rebellion because their fathers squeezed their lives to fit their parishioners’ expectations.  What a massive sin against one’s children!

Rather, we ought to begin our fatherhood by holding the tiny helpless bar snugly, but as it grows, gradually and wisely loosen our grip.  As conscientious fathers we have to say “no” to many things.  Thus we should try to say “yes” to as much as possible, and save our no’s for the really important situations.

We must be Biblical in regards to our no’s – and as our children grow, be prepared to discuss the rules biblically and principally.  We must learn to trust God with our children, realizing they must learn to make decisions for themselves.

Father’s, do not exasperate your children by being overly strict.  Learn to hold their lives with God’s pressure and to mold it with His love. (Emphasis mine).

An external focus, which fails to understand the Gospel, grasps rules and regulations like a drowning man grasps hold of a life raft!

Only Two to go… Phew, you may be thinking…

4) Ground Your Authority in God

From my perspective, this one has been an important reality as I have thought through parenting a growing son who wants more responsibility, control, and freedom in his life.  Such realities are signs of maturity, but as is the case when we grew up, knowledge and wisdom are not synonymous concepts.  As I say to my son, “knowledge can come in a moment, but wisdom takes time.”  Nevertheless, this intersection can be the cause of friction, as the interaction between child and parent can easily move and morph into a battle of who has the authority, and as the cross-over to give your child more “head” is no scientific pursuit, it can be a cause of confusion for parents!

If you have an independent child, then you may perceive what I am saying, but as my son has grown, I have affirmed, for example and where appropriate, that when he has a problem with me as an authority figure, his problem is really with his Creator, as He has placed me in his life as his Father.  Such a philosophy helps to defuse any personal battles that can detour the parenting pursuit as our children grow older, but also, ironically, this framing perspective helps to underscore the authority that is a God-given reality in the parent-child relationship.

This can help to take the “personal” heat out of those moments, as we make it clear that our authority is grounded in God’s will, in giving “Junior” his Dad and Mum as his parents.  This is God’s wisdom Sonny!

If I may also note that this is not something that you should start as your children move into “those” years.  For example, with my five year old, when I am “discipling” him, I will usually say something like the following: You are not honouring and obeying Your Creator, and while You are choosing not to, Dad and Mum will continue to do so, which is why… grounded in Prov. 3:11, 12, which one then goes on to explain what will happen with his “consequences” next!

What, you the parent, are also affirming by communicating in such a manner is that God’s wisdom and plan is the standard and goal for living one’s life, that you are God’s steward in your parenting role, and that His will, should be our way!

5) Remember, God is the One Who Must Work

This is a vitally important final point.  While our efforts are important, significant, and mandated, ultimately and finally, it is God who must work in our child’s heart, and it is God who must open their eyes! Such a reality does not diminish our calling as parents, but provides a needed antidote as we consider the huge calling, role, and responsibility, which can easily cause us to wonder how such a role can ever be completed.

God calls for us to be faithful in this calling, and He will take care of the rest!

Conclusion

As a younger man, I was foolishly focused on ministry as something that took place outside of the home.  As I have grown older, and a little wiser, I have come to see that ministry in the home, far from being an excursus on the ministry trail, is really the foundation from which all other ministry is validated, underscored, completed, and consecrated!

While this short-ish piece is hardly the end of all speakings on this subject, and I hardly speak from on high on this subject, God willing, it is a start to help you think through this calling!

In 20-10, may we parent with the passion and commitment of our Creator, who exemplifies this each and every day in the saving, keeping, and redeeming of our lives in and under the Son/ Sun.

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy

For all those unfamiliar, we have been graced with three boys [see Here for photo proof] aged presently from 2 and 1/4 to 15 and 3/4.  Yes, the age spectrometer is broad and wide in our household, which makes for exciting times, and more than one moment of killer-cross-over in one bloggers mental machinations as he seeks to not mix up his parenting “p’s” and “q’s”!

We have said to our eldest son that we would like to be Ph.D’s on each of our children.  While such may kindle romantic notions, what we are really trying to communicate with this image is that we want to individually know, understand and comprehend each of our children’s human capacity in their life that is, God willing, well lived, so that we can best shepherd these sometimes “bleating” sheep under our stewardship-care.

However, in a context where we have to battle the world, the flesh and the devil, it is certainly a means of grace to have “out-breathing” based directives and input that can help us in our pursuit of God-glorification in the offspring of our youth, and if you are like me, the more I see myself clearly, the more I comprehend how much my life can be a fence to this goal and not a gate that encourages those under my care to venture on, in the pursuit of an abundant life under the Son/Sun!

Therefore, I come bearing gifts!

Okay, more to the point [Sorry Dr. Russell... you don't know me], I come with a little help of someone else’s friends, who have bequeathed bloggers with resources that are worth your perusal, reflection, and inculcation [sounds painful... trust me, it can be]!

Onward and Upward we go!

The first was encouraged by a post by Mr. Andy Naselli Here.  Following his instructions, I decided to visit the Amazon “look inside” feature, and decided to record the full context of his post for our edification!

This is an extended quote taken from R. Kent “isn’t he Hughes”, Disciplines of a Godly Man, so, as I am sure you have perceived, it is aimed at you fathers who are, and fathers to be… and for any ladies who are preparing for their future friend, or who want to play, “pass it on.”

Here it is…

From, Disciplines of a Godly Man… Pages 47 – 51

FATHERHOOD’S “DO NOTS”

The “do not” is perfectly clear, because it literally means, “do not provoke your children to anger so they begin to seethe with resentment and irritation.”  The New English Bible captures the idea very well: “You fathers, again, must not goad your children to resentment.”  The directness and simplicity of this “do not” invites us to do some honest thinking about the ways we goad our children to exasperation.

Criticism

Near the top of most lists has to be criticism.  Every year when our family decorates our Christmas tree and I place a tiny red-and-green glass-beaded wreath on the tree, I think of the little boy who gave it to me when I coached soccer.  His sarcastic, demeaning father would run up and down the field belittling his boys with words like “chicken” and “woman.”  He was the only parent I ever told to be quiet of leave the field.  I wonder sometimes how that boy, now a man, has fared.

Winston Churchill had such a father in Lord Randolph Churchill.  He did not like the looks of Winston, he did not like his voice, he did not like to be in the same room with his son.  He never complimented him – only criticized him.  His biographers excerpt young Winston’s letters begging both parents for his father’s attention: “I would have rather have been apprenticed as a bricklayer’s mate… it would have been natural… and I should have got to know my father…”

Father’s who criticize their children often bring them to discouragement.  The parallel version of this “do not” in Colossians 3:21 indicates that children embittered by nagging and deriding “lose heart”(NASB) – like a horse that has had its spirit broken.  You can see it in the way a horse moves, and you can see it in the eyes and posture of a disheartened child.

Criticism comes in many ways besides overt words.  Some parents never praise their children on principle – “my praise will mean something when I give it” – only they never give it.  Then there is faint praise, backhanded praise like that given to the boy who had just scored a soccer goal: “That was okay, son; now next week do better.”  Often it is not the words – it is the tone of the voice or the disracted eyes which says it all.  Why are father’s critical? Perhaps that is the way their fathers treated them.  Perhaps they are simply critical people who mask it well in public, but cannot restrain themselves in the heat of domestic relationships.  To such fathers, God’s Word comes like an arrow headed for the bulls-eye: do not exasperate your children with criticism.

Overstrictness

Some fathers exasperate their children by being overly strict and controlling.  They need to remember that rearing children is like holding a bar of wet soap – too firm a grasp and it shoots from your hand, too lose a grasp and it slides away.  A gentle but firm hold keeps you in control.

We cannot begin to estimate the ravages of overstrictness on the evangelical Christian community over the years.  I have had occasion in my ministry to bury people who lived virtually all of their seventy years in reaction to the harsh legalism of their upbringing – lost bars no one could manage to pick up. Others were not so tragic.  They came to renounce legalism biblically and theologically, but still wrestled with it emotionally for the rest of their lives.

Why are some fathers overly strict?  Many because they are trying to protect their children from an increasingly Philistine culture –  and smothering rules seems the best way to accomplish that.  Others are simply controlling personalities who use rules, money, friendship, or clout to rule their children’s lives.  The Bible, read through their controlling grid, becomes a license to own and dominate.  Still others wrongly understand their faith in terms of Law rather than grace.  Some men are overly strict because they are concerned about what others will think.  ”What will they think if my child goes to this place… or wears this clothing… or is heard listening to that music?”  Not a few preacher’s kids have been catapulted into rebellion because their fathers squeezed their lives to fit their parishioners’ expectations.  What a massive sin against one’s children!

Rather, we ought to begin our fatherhood by holding the tiny helpless bar snugly, but as it grows, gradually and wisely loosen our grip.  As conscientious fathers we have to say “no” to many things.  Thus we should try to say “yes” to as much as possible, and save our no’s for the really important situations.

We must be Biblical in regards to our no’s – and as our children grow, be prepared to discuss the rules biblically and principally.  We must learn to trust God with our children, realizing they must learn to make decisions for themselves.

Father’s, do not exasperate your children by being overly strict.  Learn to hold their lives with God’s pressure and to mold it with His love.

Irritability

We have all seen it – and perhaps done it!  The father walks in the door after a pressured day, preoccupied, with brow furrowed.  His three-year-old comes running to him, but Dad is busy unburdening himself to his wife.  ”Just a moment, Jimmy.”  Jimmy tugs at his father’s trousers – no response.  He tugs again!  His father explodes, picks him up, and swats him hard for being “rude.”  Only the Lord knows how many children “lose heart” because their fathers have “hard days.”

Life is sometimes like the cartoon where the boss is grouchy toward a worker; his employee, in turn, comes home and is irritable with the children; his son then kicks the dog; the dog runs down the street and bites the first person he sees - the boss!

We fathers must never let our pressures drive us into this unhappy cycle.  The costs are too high!

Some say you treat your fellow man

on the level.

But when you are hone with your wife and kids

are you mean as the Devil?

Your kids know!

Inconsistency

Few things will exasperate a child more than inconsistency.  Pity the horse that has a rider that gives it mixed signals, digging his heels into its side and pulling the reins at the same time.  Pity the child even more who has rules changed by a capricious father, and who is always exasperated because of the conflicting messages he receives.

Fathers, you may forgive yourself by saying, “I’m so busy… Memory isn’t my thing… I’m just a spontaneous person!”  But your children will not.

Be consistent.  NEVER EVER make a promise to your children you do not keep!  Do any unfulfilled promises come to mind?  Horseback riding that never happened?  Trips to the ice cream store or the ballpark?  YOU may forget, but you have a little boy or girl who will remember it eighty years from now.

Favoritism

One of the most exasperating and damning sins a father can commit against his children is favortism.  I say this despite being the last one who would suggest you should treat all your children alike.  Some children need more discipline, some need more independence.  Some need more structure, some need less.  Some need more holding than others.  Some need more encouragement.  But no child should be favored over another.

Favortisim was the damning sin of Isaac, who favored Esau over Jacob. Ironically, it was also the damning sin of Jacob, who favored Joseph over his brothers.  Like favoring father, like rejected son!  How crushing, how disheartening to know that you are less favored – less loved.

Men, the great “do not” of fatherhood is, “Do not exasperate your children” –  and life tells us what the resulting “do nots” of this are:

Do not be critical

Do not be overstrict

Do not be irritable

Do not be inconsistent

Do not show favortisim

God has created our children with their hearts turned towards ours.  Our power is awesome!  We must take God’s Word to heart.

Amen!

Also recently appearing on the publishing horizon is a book titled, Gospel-Powered Parenting, which looks like another great resource.  From O Canada-land, blogging behemoth, “there’s no “ea” in Tim” Challies, has a review of this book and an interview with the author… Thanks Tim, or “Tum” as those Aussies claim we say it.

As a rabbit trail, we Kiwis have an empathy with Canadians, as Canada is to the US what NZ is to Aus, therefore, I will put up with no tomfoolery on Tum’s name!

Okay, that is enough from Jonny King am I… Hop to it!

Such should be enough fodder for any Mr Ed’s to chew on.

Credit goes to all those who have done the hard yards…

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy

BTW ~ If anyone is a little perplexed with the nicknames, etc… please, just ask!

Okay, so I am a little behind the times, but Happy Mother’s Day to all those who have entered this pursuit of a lifetime.  May you be honored in this most important of pursuits, and while our culture may limit the worth accorded on such a calling, every worthy husband and the ultimate Husband know that such a calling is worth more than money surelycannot buy.

Can I also say something that is aimed particularly at the stay at home mums?… Stop watching those Soaps!  That wasn’t quite what I had planned… Try again… Our culture subtly seeks to negate the significance of the role of being a stay at home mum (and motherhood in general) by introducing new terms to deal with such unfortunate realities for such backward types like you, with such colourful titles as “home executive”, as such terms reek of more significance than such simple references to “looking after the children.”

One’s life must be worth more this!

Is this not a sad commentary of how our culture views such a personal reality.  This is yet another example of the self-esteem [that really deceives] culture and of a Feminism gone mental… or, should someone say unbiblical.

Now, just before I get called some nasty names, I am not saying women should remain barefoot, well not all the time, anyway, it is winter!  Nor am I having a “go” at working mums.  I am, however, affirming the priority and high calling of such a “homely reality,” which should be reflected in the outworking of how one lives their lives.

No doubt there will also be at least one hater reading this piece, vehemently frothing at the mouth, exclaiming that in celebrating Mother’s Day, we are giving in to some pagan idea.

Even if we allow you your five seconds of reflective fame, surely this is another occasion where we can, at the very least, redeem the moment as an opportunity to honour what God has so graciously given.

Anyway, Mother’s Day wasn’t for you Frank… Time to get out of the basement… The sky is not falling, yet!

I believe my wife enjoyed her Mother’s Day and as part of the festivities, it was decided that we would go to the Movies with our eldest son… who is 15… that is 15 years of age… no, that was no typo, not 15 months.

Yes, age has not wearied me, but don’t judge one’s book by one’s cover… although I do photo (shop) well (tongue=cheek)

Anyway, we wanted to go to a movie that was rated R16… A Gasp descends on the reader from on high!  Call me backslidden, but this was our “perverted” plan.  You gotta love those Christians who don’t go to Movies, and you thought it was only rabbinic Judaism that had an Oral Law.  It reminds me of something we would say in the Starvation, I mean Salvation Army, when I was doing my tour of duty, which went something like this… The leaders wouldn’t allow sex before marriage… Why?… Well, because it could very well lead to dancing!  Okay, one could be exaggerating a little, that would be the case if one wasn’t wearing socks (if there is a blank stare, I am sorry).

As I was saying, we were wanting to go to the Movies with our 15 (and almost a half) year old son, and deciding on this course of action, we thought it prudent to double check with the Movie theater (due to previous experience).  We were informed… obviously by a higher authority, that we could not take our son to such a Movie.  When queried that we were his parents and would be going along with him, we ignorant country folk were informed that such a question was beyond our jurisdiction, after all, far more qualified people had already made such a decision for us.

Oh goody, we have entered the 21st century version of painting by numbers, however, this new game is for the whole family, called “Parenting by Numbers.”  In this new reality game, you have the real life experience of parenting with none of those pesky problems like being responsible for those little critters in your care.  Such problems have been thought about and solved by someone else, no doubt with much knowledge and little wisdom.

What next, soon someone will come up with the hair-brained idea of telling us how we are to discipline our children.  Such hyperbole is surely beyond the realms of reality… Tui Advert anyone!

I am no mouse, but I am certainly taking the mickey, but who would come up with such a policy?  Call me a pragmatist, but has anyone heard of DVD’s?

To illuminate such wisdom, and one might say the consistency of such an idea, with MY APPROVAL, my son is able to rent out videos/ games or other such contraband from our local video store, and we can even sit down in the privacy of our own home and enjoy these together… or is it that we just think we can?  It might be nearing the time to wrap the home in tinfoil… order the cyanide!

Shock… Horror

The key point in such a scenario is that it involves me, his parent, with such a reality putting the onus on where it belongs, on me, the parent… such a novel idea!

While the movie-mess has a rather impotent impact on the family setup, it does highlight a real question that comes down to who is in the best position to make decisions for one’s children, and following on from this, who has the right to make decisions in regard to the parenting of one’s children in NZ… who is more qualified than you?… And from a Biblical-Christian worldview, is this not God-ordained?!

While I have no idea how far up the food chain this decision comes from, it does exemplify an outside influence overstepping it’s boundaries in making decisions that are the God-given responsibility of every parent, no matter what area-country code!

You might be thinking, “so what, get over it, this is hardly worth commenting on, get to the interesting bit, what movie did you go and see?”

Well, I wanted to go and see the movie Defiance, but who was going to listen to me on “Mother’s Day.”  My virtuous wife decided, in her wisdom, to send us all to see Wolverine.  Yes, you are reading me correctly.  Now did you expect that?  Going to see action type movies with one’s wife, these are crosses that I must bear.

What did I think of the movie?  Not too bad, some good robust action, but it did lack depth with the characters and in the storyline!  Is such needed the He-man grunts?

Don’t get me wrong, I have done my time in front of “Mama Mia” and “The Sisters of the Traveling Pants 2,” so my wife still has the chick flick in her, but I am blessed by such balance!

She is a special woman, my wife… she even likes the amber ale… I would trade that one for rugby, but beggars…

I know, having a wife who enjoys action movies and drinks beer [in moderation of course], its a tough gig, but someone’s gotta do it!

Love ya dear… or as she says in return, Stag!  I know too much information, but I thought we were past pleasantries and could begin to get deep.

Maybe next time, or is this going to be a one blog stand?  I am sure you will be more faithful!

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy

I am just an ordinary Jon, a sinner saved by grace, who is seeking to parent to the best of His ability, and as such, is thinking through what this entails.  What has really promoted this blog, has been the teenage season of our eldest, as such has pushed and pointed me into this pursuit, like no other time!  I am more than aware that I too often miss the mark, and am prone to many brain-dead moments, but this calling is something that I desperately desire to faithfully complete, and because of such, this is playing a large part in life, which also means I have some thinking thoughts as a practicing parent!

Along with these three boys, I also have one wife (Ba-Dom Ching!) and as I am want to tell them, their lives are a sign of God’s grace in my life!

I trust that in your time on this blog, you will be motivated, lead, pushed, compelled, and graced to love those under your watch with the love of Christ, which was not passive in its application, but potent in living out what sacrificial love really looks like, as most evidenced in the Cross.  I hope that this blog will, in some respects, encourage you in this pursuit, as you model the Gospel of God’s grace, in and through Messiah!

If you would like to find more out about the author, you can find such information by checking out my other blogs, and I would encourage you to check these out, as they may provide more righteous material!  If you are a regular reader of books, you might be thinking that URL and header sound kinda familiar, and you would be right, with a full credit to D. A. Carson for the leg-up, in a different context.

You are invited to join this conversation and engage!  The choice is now yours!

Onward and Upward

Jonny Boy